Suzy Suzy Read online

  My face just went cold from the top down. I started to shake. There was no house that could see into Regan’s Glen. Where I was standing you couldn’t even see the road.

  I started to call The Dog. I tried to whistle but my lips were too hard. My throat was dry.

  I ran around the furze.

  Like idk why I ran around the furze. There was nothing there.

  Then I saw The Dog with the purse. He was lying down eating it. He was down by the stream. I ran down but he ran away. I ran after him. It was getting dark and he was too fast. So I pretended I was going home. I whistled and this time my lips worked. I watched him out of the corner of my eye. After a while he turned up to come home with me with his tail wagging. Like I’m supposed to be pleased to see him. He was probably thinking of his dinner. I grabbed him by the collar and went back down the field to find the purse. I couldn’t find it. I even thought I should let him go and see if he’d find it but I knew he’d do a runner again. I could have sworn I knew exactly where he was eating it last. But it was gone. And it was dark. I went home. I was thinking I should phone the guards. Who throws away a purse with money in it?

  26

  This evening my mam was watching telly. She had a glass of wine. She drinks Sancerre. I’ve had some. It’s not bad. It’s a sort of high-class Chardonnay. Tbf I don’t like wine, but Sancerre is ok. It’s French. They must know something about making wine they’ve been at it for a while. I said, Everything OK, Mam? She said, Yep, your chop is in the oven and oven chips. I was thinking, if my dad just confessed that he had a love child by a Moroccan lady, she was taking it pretty cool. Maybe I was wrong. So I told her about the purse. She said ring the guards. Tomorrow was Saturday. Maybe somebody reported it missing.

  So I rang the station. Guards are thick.

  Guard: Could you put your mammy on the phone for me?

  Me: She’s watching The Great British Bake Off. She never misses it. Or Master Chef. Like foodie programmes are trending in my house big time.

  Guard: Is there any witness to this?

  Me: Like The Dog?

  Guard: Did you tell anyone? Your mammy and daddy?

  Me: My mam told me to ring.

  Guard: Why didn’t you bring the purse with you?

  Me: The Dog took it, like it was nearly dark, he wanted to eat it, you know, dogs. And then I couldn’t find it.

  Guard: Why did you give it to the dog?

  Me: He took it. I didn’t give it to him.

  Guard: Did you notice any contents?

  I blushed but he couldn’t see through the phone. There was a mascara…

  Guard: A mascara… Is that like make-up?

  Me: A tube thingy. For eye make-up.

  Guard: A tube…

  Me: A wallet…

  Guard: Any money?

  Me: A good bit. A few fifties at least. I didn’t count it though.

  Guard: That’s a lot of money to leave lying around a field now.

  Me: And a packet of…

  Guard: A packet of…

  I took a deep breath. Durex Tingle Me.

  There was a long silence. Then: Durex what?

  Me: Never mind.

  Guard: Could you repeat that, Miss?

  Me: A packet of fucking condoms, right?

  Guard: I’ll put a packet of condoms down.

  Me: Right. A twelve pack.

  Guard: Anything else?

  Me: There was other stuff. I don’t remember.

  Guard: I’ll put, and several other unidentified items.

  Me: Right.

  Guard: And the location again?

  Me: Regan’s Glen.

  Guard: Exactly. I know where that is. It’s a long old glen though. Still, if someone comes in about the purse we’ll be able to jog her memory. Now thanks for reporting that so. You’re a good girl.

  Me: But what about if someone was murdered?

  Guard: Ah now, if someone was murdered sure we’d know about it. Missing persons and that. We get told. But if someone turns up dead, we’ll call you back. Did I get your mobile? I did. I have it here. Good night now, love. Take care, byebyebye.

  My mam asked me what was in the purse. It was still the Bake Off. I told her. I didn’t mention the condoms – once was enough. She whistled. Well, it’s not whistling, she can’t whistle. It’s a sort of whistling sound she does in the gap between her two front teeth. But like, she’s sucking the air in not blowing it out. It’s not technically whistling unless it’s coming out.

  Mam: That’s a lot of money.

  Me: That’s what the cop said.

  Mam: Guard.

  Me: That’s what the guard said.

  Mam: Don’t call him cop.

  Me: I won’t.

  Mam: They’re guards.

  Me: I know.

  Mam: Did you eat your chop?

  Me: I did.

  Mam: For once. If I see it in the bin I’ll slaughter you.

  Me: I ate it. I was hungry. Like I eat food, it’s just KFC. It’s not real.

  Mam: You’ll eat what’s put in front of you, my lassie.

  Me: What were you shouting at Dad about?

  Mam: None of your business. It’s a business problem.

  These are the times when I hate her. When she’s sat there like some kind of expert on everything and whatever happens I’m wrong. I know nothing. I do nothing right. And at the same time I don’t exist. Not by comparison with the Bake Off. Which is considering the question of some kind of yeast.

  She stared at the telly for a minute then she said, There’s a homeless guy sleeping in Avondale Close. Dad is trying to get the Simon to take responsibility for him. That’s what they’re for, isn’t it? Homeless shelters. They don’t give a shit really, quite frankly. They’re a waste of taxpayers’ money.

  Me: I thought you were getting divorced.

  I used to think I would die if they got divorced but just now I was hoping they would, except for what it would do to my dad. It would save me killing her and getting a life sentence for matricide. You never get away with that kind of thing.

  She gave me one of her looks. Like she’s thinking, Where did I get this child? Now the telly was saying Text BAKE to 70005. That’s the end. My mam never texts BAKE. She flicked the remote. Channels started to come up one after the other. I don’t know how many channels we have but I know you get the porn ads right out towards the end and you better have the mute on. I went to my room.

  27

  And of course the very next morning there was a murder in the news. The guards rang me in school. Could I take them back to the spot? It was the same guard. It turns out he was thinking of a different glen altogether. They would send a squad car. It was a dead woman and she was found inside the wall of Ballyshane, that’s the old wall that was built during the famine. Ballyshane did well out of the famine. The sale of the house did not comprise it because the farm was sold separately. Gardaí had sealed off the area and were awaiting the arrival of the Assistant Chief State Pathologist from Dublin. I would like to be a pathologist. They are always so cool. And nothing psychs them out. And you only have to talk to dead people and detectives. And maybe a creepy assistant. And you go into court and say only what you found, exactly that and nothing else. You can say yes and no at the same time. Yes, it’s possible, no it’s not likely. I can’t possibly say. May it please the court. The cuts on her thighs might have been self-inflicted or they might have been the result of a struggle. The blood on her dinosaur onesie was not her own. It’s impossible to say. The attacker was left-handed.

  The squad car arrived at small break. Nobody knew the guards were coming for me. It felt great.

  But the back seat smelled like vomit. It was ew. I tried to see where I shouldn’t sit but it was all gross. Don’t they get them cleaned? The passenger was a girl guard. She was a blonde and totally pretty. I expected that there would be banter like you see, but herself and the fat driver said nothing the whole time except, Where to now? Left or Right? Here?
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br />   We walked down the glen. It wasn’t too cold. There was a magpie swaggering around like a rugby player in a neoprene vest. He looked like he was sneering at us. Magpies are sneery birds. There was a mist but it was melting or whatever it does. The sun was nice. I showed them where The Dog found it, then we walked around a lot. I stayed with the girl. Her eyes were an amazing pale blue and she had a dimple on each side of her mouth. I would say she worked out. I asked her what it was like being a guard. She said, It was OK, but sometimes it was shit, like all jobs, you get good days and bad days. Her name was Sharon.

  We found the purse. It was so cool, they had those plastic gloves like you see. I told them that I went through it with my bare hands and they said I would have to be fingerprinted to eliminate my prints. So cool. Serena would just die. Holly didn’t like the guards so she’d be like so what. But I could see myself being fingerprinted and getting my mugshot. Would they give me a copy to take home? Like, Hi Serena, want to see my fingerprints and mugshot and stuff?

  They looked in and found the card and they looked at each other.

  That’s her, the Guard said.

  Right, Sharon said to me, back to the car, this is a crime scene now.

  I was like in heaven. Me at a crime scene. I wanted to take a selfie but I didn’t think it would be allowed. It would be a hit on Facebook.

  They’d be taking a statement from me, Sharon said. She was the higher-up, it looked like, which was a surprise. The fat guard was older than her.

  The guards dropped me home and the first phone call I got was exactly at the end of school from Serena. Like LOL. What happened? I saw you going away in a squad car? OMG. The murder! The MURDER!

  And later I found out the woman was killed somewhere and all her stuff and her clothes were taken and they were searching the area for a radius of miles and asking for anyone with information that might be relevant to come forward, and it turned out that her body was badly cut up, according to a neighbour of a friend of the man who found her, blood everywhere and stark naked. The neighbour of the friend of the man said she was hot too. Which, when you come to think of it, is weird af. Saying it, I mean. Or even thinking it. He was out walking the dog. It is always dog-owners who find dead bodies, which is one of the reasons I am Totally Not Keen On Walking The Dog In Lonely Places. But in a way The Dog walks me. I always expected a body, I just ended up finding the purse instead.

  28

  So, we went to a birthday party. We didn’t know it would be a free gaff and the boys would all be tanked. It was bad. Like I mean bad idk very bad. We didn’t know any of them. They had stuff in small bottles. One of them had a hip flask. Serena danced me first and then Holly and then Serena danced the boy with the hip flask and then they disappeared. Another boy danced me and he was all hands. I had to tell him to take his hands off my arse. He was not a happy camper. He went off in a sulk in the middle of the number. I saw him talking to other boys and looking at me. I made up my mind to stick with Holly for the rest of the night. I didn’t want to find myself upstairs with a gang of them. I wanted to go home but we couldn’t go without Serena. It was Serena was invited. Two boys asked me to go outside. One after the other. No fucking way. They were those big guys, like rugby or something, with necks like those long balloons you see. I don’t even like that kind of body. And they’re generally stupid too. I told the second guy I was underage and he started to laugh like it was a joke.

  About an hour later Serena turned up again and she said she wanted to go home. Holly and I were just beginning to enjoy ourselves, we were dancing together, and we were idk pissed about it or something, because we said no, she’d have to wait. So she went somewhere. And at eleven thirty the birthday girl’s parents came home unexpectedly and that was really the end of that, even though some of us stayed around for a bit to be polite. Holly said they were proper buffers. It was all young lady this and young lady that. So then we had to call somebody’s dad to come and collect us and Serena’s dad was on call so he couldn’t come. And so it ended up that Holly’s dad came out for us in his ancient Toyota. Serena said the car smelled of dog shit. She didn’t want to get in. I don’t think Holly heard. Holly was telling her dad about the guys with the naggins of whiskey. Then she said about the guy with the hip flask and her Dad said something I didn’t hear and Holly laughed and Serena leaned against me and whispered in my ear, I was upstairs with him, I let him do it. I said, Did you use anything? She said, I think he loves me. I said, Did he say that before or after?

  She didn’t talk to me the rest of the way home. We took a strange route idk it seemed to take twice as long. And that road brought us back past Ballyshane. By then Serena was asleep with her head on my shoulder.

  What I saw passing Ballyshane was my father’s car stopped at a place where you could look at the house through the trees. I couldn’t see who was in it because we went past too quickly, but when I got home the car was gone. I went to bed. Sometimes in my bed, once everyone is asleep, I kinda start to think that everything is different to what I see. That it’s like the way light leaves a block of glass. In Physics you see how the light makes an angle θ with the inside surface of the glass block and a completely different angle out in the air. Like everything is going one way inside and whenever I get out into the air it’ll be going a different direction. Or like if I could walk out backwards I would be with my real family, the one I actually belong to, where we all love each other or something. And everyone would be normal. I was trying not to think about Serena and Hip Flask Guy, but about one o’clock she started texting me. The first thing she said was, OML we didn’t use anthing ☹. Serena has autocorrect turned off. I just replied: IKR night now. I did not sleep. It was a Saturday night. He didn’t have a condom with him and she didn’t have one. Anyway he said it felt better without. He was in love with her after the time he danced her. They danced, they went upstairs idk. How does it happen? How do you get started? I could have texted Serena and she def would have told me that night. But I knew I didn’t want to find out from Serena. There was too much wrong with her. There was more wrong with her than there was with me.

  29

  My dad picked me up from school. I hate being picked up in a Lexus. And I know this is totally a first-world middle-class problem as Holly never tires of explaining. But it’s like driving around in a marketing opportunity. I wish it was a Honda Civic or something. Like I would love if my dad’s car was the same as Holly’s. Holly’s dad has a sheet of stainless steel under the driver’s seat because the floor of the car rusted. It is a Toyota Corolla. He had an unfortunate experience with sea water. Once upon a time he was driving somewhere in bad weather and he did not notice that the road was underwater. He might have been stoned. I’m not saying Holly’s dad is a stoner, but he’s definitely not anti. He had to get the fire brigade to push him out. As a matter of fact the fire brigade was there anyway, marking the flooding and warning people not to drive into it. Holly’s dad was not sure how he missed that because there were flashing lights. The car started straight away and he drove off. He forgot about it. But one day about a year later he sat into the car and the seat went straight through to the road. Luckily it didn’t happen when he was moving, like if he went over a bump he would have been Dragging His Arse Along The Road At Sixty whatever. Holly’s dad is just totally cool about all that. He got a friend to cut him a sheet of stainless. My dad would have taken the car sales company to court and he would have bought a new car. If something can be thrown away, my dad throws it.

  So this is the conversation.

  Me: I think Serena is getting bullied by some of the girls.

  Dad: Really?

  Me: Well like I don’t know. Maybe. They were making comments about her today.

  Dad: (Silence)

  Me: (After a while) They were saying she’s a slut but she’s not. Like saying she goes with an older man.

  Dad: Tsk tsk. Don’t say words like that, Suzy. Serena is a nice girl.

  Me: Harsh, Dad. I
didn’t say it, they did.

  Dad: Well, it’s not nice.

  Me: Dad, I’m talking about the bitches. They’re superbitches some of them. You should hear….

  Dad: Suzy! That’s enough. Don’t say bitches. We have some rules in our house, you know.

  Me: (Silence)

  Dad: (Silence)

  He drove slowly. It drove me crazy. He was a careful driver. He didn’t even like to park his Lexus in town in case it got scratched. When he had to park it in town he sometimes put it in the disabled drivers’ spaces because they’re wider. If he does that I always ask to get out before he parks and I walk away. I will not be seen getting out of a Lexus with a non-disabled driver in a disabled driver parking space. I hate him when he does that. He just shrugs and says, The cripples get all the best spaces. Jesus fuck my life. I swear. He’s like Mr Bean only SO not funny. His hand is shaking. I can see it. As soon as he lifts it off the wheel there’s a tiny little shake like a frightened bird. In fact both of his hands are like birds. They’ve gotten small. Or else they were always small only I never noticed. His left hand shakes more than his right. And he’s been biting his nails. He never bites his nails. It’s like you never notice things about your dad until he has a heart attack.

  So today he says, Suzy, you see that land out your window there? That’s Castlemartin.

  Me: I know, Dad.

  Dad: And you probly know that a syndicate has put in a planning application for four hundred houses. Seemingly there’s a housing shortage. He laughs. That’s all me eye and Johnny Reilly of course. The auctioneers want it so the government gives it. A housing shortage is a matter of optics. And you probly know that Dan Kelleher is in that syndicate.