Suzy Suzy Read online

  We signed. I don’t know about Serena but I felt like a character in Cracker or Rebus. It was fab. Like even being a character who was sold out by her best friend. Or one of her friends anyway. It was still fab. Holly was going to be mad jealous.

  Then, just like Colombo, before I went out the door I said, Oh by the way, the housekeeper? He’s a cross-dresser.

  And then I was gone.

  But not before I caught the stupid look on the guards’ faces. Like they never twigged it. Guards are thick.

  Holly was waiting outside. How did it go?

  I’m like: She blamed me.

  I pointed at Serena.

  Serena goes: You said I could.

  And I goes: I didn’t think you were fucking serious.

  Jesus, Serena, Holly goes, giving Serena the bitch stare.

  Serena was already on her phone. In maybe three seconds she was talking to Jack. You’re not going to believe where I am, Jack… She looked at us and pointed at the phone and then turned her back on us.

  Holly said, I don’t believe she did that. She’s legit a total skanger. I just don’t believe it.

  They believed us anyhow, I said. I think they did. Maybe.

  Holly said they had to believe us because why else would two girls confess to doing damage and practically breaking and entering? I high-fived her. Did you hear the one about the serial killer? He was a fan of The Police.

  Holly laughed.

  Serena gave us the scan. I could see she hadn’t a clue.

  Like, The Police, I said, the band, you know?

  And at that moment, for no good reason, I suddenly started to wonder where Serena was between the time when we ran away and the time she got back to my house. What was she doing? And then that made me remember that Tom Bowles mentioned Tony. But how did he know my brother? And after that it was bad. I started to cry. I know I did. Like it is just embarrassing how often I cry. And Holly got me onto the bus and got me off at our home stop. I don’t remember what happened in between except I remember shaking and feeling cold all over and telling Holly that I was worried about Tony. And I was sad about Peter. Like I missed him. I could do with one of his stories. But really it was all about my dad who is Falling Apart idk like seriously falling apart. I don’t know what happened to Serena but that night I got another set of pregnancy texts from her so I suppose herself and Jack must have found someplace to go. But at least this time it sounded like Jack was going to stick around. After the third text I just replied, I can’t believe you just blamed me to the guards. And she was like: I pannecked im sorry dont leave me i need u ☹. Then around two o’clock I got a text from her that said, we did it 3 times ☺ i love him so much u have 2 meet him.

  64

  Holly had a thing from Facebook. Or maybe Twitter idk.

  Best year?

  Worst year?

  Favourite food?

  You added up the last two numbers in each year and the total told you how old you would be when you get married. And then you took the two numbers in the age and picked out the corresponding letters in the favourite food and they were the initials of the person you would marry. Mine was

  2013

  2015

  Omelette

  28

  M.E.

  Holly thought it was hilarious but I thought it was sad because it was probably true. Wait, I said, what if my favourite food was sushi? She said you just kept counting until you got the numbers. So sushi would be SS. I said, that’s worse. SS equals Serena Sheils. Oh Jesus, I said, I think I’d rather buy a pig. We just like totally cracked up. We were on the bus and people turned around to see if we were all right. Holly started to do her Ed Sheeran imitation. Holly has Ed Sheeran nailed.

  When we calmed down Holly said, Why 2012?

  That was my grandad’s seventy-fifth.

  She squeezed my arm. I remember, she said.

  Then I said, What if I had to ask Willy The Right To Life for his daughter’s hand in marriage? I’d have to go down on one knee.

  And Holly goes: I wouldn’t kneel down in front of Willy if you paid me a million.

  What would the Pope do?

  And that started us off again. We were Rolling On The Floor Laughing. Like virtually literally. I wasn’t talking to Serena since the episode in the station when she sold me out so we could laugh at her as much as we liked.

  I said, And knowing Serena I’d get a text from her in the middle of the wedding night to say she had to be pregnant because we didn’t use anything.

  And Holly said, That reminds me. Maura O’Keefe told me Serena was asking her about missing periods.

  Oh Jesus.

  I know. I forgot to tell you. It was at big break.

  Like the night of the cop station she texted me. She said they did it three times.

  Me and Holly looked at each other. I don’t know what it did to Holly but it made me feel weak all over. Three times. In one night. Well, in one evening, because she would have been home before late. And I was a bit jealous too tbh if she was pregnant. I don’t know why that would be. But the thought of a baby growing inside. Like I remember this baby homecoming video and the mother had two scotties and they had the scotties on the bed and the baby cradle thingy and it was just cute. And the scotties liked the baby. Or at least they didn’t bite him. They didn’t lick him or anything just sort of looked.

  Well, Holly said, I’m not going to marry until I’m seventy-eight and his initials are TT.

  He’ll be a twenty-one-year-old stud toyboy who’s marrying you for your money. What was your favourite food?

  Spaghetti.

  We thought that was hilarious too. We were still laughing when the bus stopped and a boy got on and Holly nudged me in the ribs and whispered, Jack.

  He was tall and cool. He had sandy blond hair and blue eyes. He walked past us and for no reason I said, Hi, I’m Suzy. We’re friends of Serena.

  I didn’t tell him that Serena was meeting a man who was into rape bondage and humiliation. If you could believe it. Which frankly I don’t. But somehow I felt that if I did tell him he would have understood.

  He stopped and said Hi. Then he sat in the empty seat on the other side of the aisle.

  So you’re Suzy, he said.

  And I’m Holly, Holly said, leaning forward so he could see her better.

  Hi, Holly.

  How’s Serena? I said.

  She’s all right. Like I didn’t see her for a week.

  We watched the road for a bit. Holly didn’t say anything. I was thinking what happened to the three times a night job? The driver had the radio on and they were playing some old country stuff all about how Dolly Parton wanted Jolene not to take her man and shit. Holly couldn’t stop her leg from tapping though. I elbowed her. Like no way are any of my friends going to sing along to Dolly Parton. She told me her latest urban legend. A friend of the family had an overheating engine. This happens to friends of Holly’s family because they drive crap cars that are past their sell-by date. Their cat liked to sleep on the engine at night. But one day they noticed the cat was missing. After about a week they noticed there was always a smell of cooking when they were driving. We thought that was funny. And after a bit Jack leaned across the aisle and said, They play some desperate shite on this bus. Holly and me laughed but I was thinking like what bus does he usually get and do they play good stuff on his one? Eventually I thought of something else to say.

  Serena texted me about you. She said I should meet you. She thinks you’re fab.

  Holly giggled. I was a bit annoyed that she was giggling but I couldn’t do anything about it.

  Cool, he said, Want to leave me your mobile?

  So I gave him my number and he gave me his and we put them in our phones and named them and by then our stop was coming up. And then we had each other in our contacts. And idk it was kind of exciting and naughty idk. But I wanted to ask something and just after I pressed the stop bell I said, So are you still seeing her?

  I am yea
h, kind of.

  That’s cool so. This is my stop.

  And afterwards Holly said, So what’s the story, Suzy? What was that about?

  I said I was curious because Serena makes stuff up, like telling stories. You can never trust a word that comes out of her mouth. Look at the time she told the guards burning the bin was my idea. And how are we to know she does all that shit? Like if she actually turned out to be pregnant we’d know QED but until then we don’t have a clue. She could be a compulsive liar. I googled that and it turned up a lot of interesting stuff. Like compulsive liars tell people things to make themselves important. They dream up whole stories about their lives, sometimes they even live two lives. It begins with a sense of inferiority and a feeling of worthlessness. And she has worthlessness in spades. Look at how she was cutting and the time she overdosed. Like she fits everything, a hundred per cent. But Holly said once you start googling stuff it’s easy to fit it, it’s like a horoscope in a magazine, even if you read the wrong one by mistake you think it could be you. If you have something wrong with you, like bad period pains, and you google it, it turns out you have whatever is the worst possible thing you could have.

  I didn’t want to say so, but I actually did google extreme pain in lower stomach a week before and I turned up ovarian cancer and I was so scared I actually turned my phone off. Like I haven’t deliberately turned my phone off in over a year. Can you imagine what it feels like to have your phone actually off permanently for a period of hours? My grandad had lung cancer but it was the secondary cancer that killed him. It was in his head. He died on a trolley in Accident and Emergency because they couldn’t find a bed for him. Even though the Minister For Health said that waiting lists had been eliminated. Even though he was pretty far gone and inclined to fall over even if he sat up, he was able to tell my mam that the trolley situation was a fucking disgrace and the best thing to do was to put the whole government up against a wall and shoot them. My grandad came from a generation where they would do that too. I miss him.

  In a way The Crash killed him, like the Economic Crash. Not straight off. It was a sort of a hit at an obtuse angle. A glancing blow, like you see. They ran out of doctors and nurses. My grandad didn’t have Private, even though my mam said she’d pay for it. My dad wouldn’t pay for it because of Grandad changing his will. Fair is fair, he said when my mam suggested it. You have to hand it to my dad, he can carry a grudge.

  Holly says put a hot water bottle on your period and it does help, but sometimes I get a headache with it and two hot water bottles is just gross. But my guess is that Holly googled it too. How many girls in the world all googling period pains and getting hits for ovarian cancer? Who needs horror movies when we have our phones?

  65

  That night he texted me. It was about ten o’clock. I was in bed doing Physics. Like, I can do Physics because I remember the entire textbook. If they ever ask me something that’s not in Real World Physics I’m a goner. The diagram shows a ray of light travelling from glass to air. The ray of light undergoes refraction at B. And then my phone bings. Like it was just: Sup Suzy, what r u up 2? And I just replied: Doing physics. But it made me happy, I don’t know why. And so after about an hour, when I was just turning over to Maths I texted him: How’s it going? And he said: Cool. I liked talking on d bus today. And that started me thinking, What was he doing on our bus? I didn’t ask him though. Instead I texted Holly that Jack texted me. Woah girl, she said, wat r u up 2? I said I didn’t know, I was just starting Maths. Then she texted me: Whats de Moivre’s theorem? Like you can tell someone something like that in text. I said I’d explain it tomorrow. But just for the laugh anyway I texted her (Cos A + iSin A)n = Cos nA + iSin nA ☺. It took me about twenty minutes to work out how to do it on my phone. And she went: Help ☹!!!! I told her I’d go over it on the bus tomorrow morning and she could come to my house and I’d give her a full grind on Wednesday half-day when my mam wouldn’t be home. Like I have de Moivre’s Theorem nailed. Every night last thing Holly and me text each other. The first one always says: Goodnight sleep tight. And the other replies: Don’t let the bugs bite ☺. So I was in the bathroom getting ready when a text came in. I took no notice. I was in the shower but I heard it. Then a second text came in. That was strange. I dried myself off and got into my pjs and took the phone to bed. The first text said: Wanna meet me after school? Maybe do sumthng? It was from Jack. The second one said: Goodnight sleep tight. I replied to the second one first. I said Don’t let the bugs bite ☺. Then I replied to the first one. Yes.

  Then I thought WTF AM I LOSING IT??? If Serena finds out she will never forgive me. Like she will Kill Herself Properly. But then Friday was midterm break and Serena and her mother were going to visit her auntie who had something wrong with her. They always went February midterm. And I needn’t tell Holly anything. Holly is one of life’s innocents. I sent Jack another text: Saturday? And he said: Perf I’ll pick u up ill have my Moms car.

  And that night my brother came home earlier than usual. I was still awake. I was too nervous to sleep. When I heard him in the kitchen I went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table drinking a glass of water. I went and got a glass for myself and sat down opposite him.

  Tony, I said, what’s the story with Tom Bowles? He said you told him things. Like I mentioned Serena’s dad and he said you told him what we call him.

  Yeah I did. It’s not a secret.

  Like it’s just us, the family and Holly’s family. Nobody else calls him that.

  Yeah I know. Well Tosser does too and a few of my mates.

  So how did you get talking to him?

  I just know him, he said. It’s none of your business.

  But he’s a murder suspect, Tony. And you know Dad hates him. If he finds out he’ll murder you.

  That’s all shite. Tom is a nice man. Dad just hates him because of the house, but that’s not Tom’s fault.

  How did you get talking to him?

  He looked down at his glass of water. He didn’t answer. The lower half of the glass of water was milky-looking. We get that when they put the fluoride in the pipes once a month. There’s a smell from it like a swimming pool. It’s for our own good. It prevents Dental Caries. I don’t know what Dental Caries is or are but I know it’s ew so I’m cool with the fluoride. But Holly thinks it is Altering Our Minds and making us Put Up With The Shit The Government Tells Us. It’s some kind of mind-control drug. Like I wish they’d control my mind. Holly is totes a conspiracy theorist. She knows who shot John F Kennedy and it wasn’t the guy they did for it. The guy that got shot. Lee Harvey Oswald. Shot by Jack Ruby. She says it’s just not credible.

  Tony?

  I told you I met him in a pub? Remember? It wasn’t Keniry’s. It was Counihan’s in town.

  Yeah I remember that.

  So that’s how I got talking to him.

  He looked up again and I could see he wasn’t going to say any more. So I said, Just I worry about you. Like the time you got in the fight?

  That was nothing to do with Tom. I was jumped outside Keniry’s.

  Who jumped you?

  Some langers. I don’t know. They were waiting for me. I think they were drinking in Keniry’s. They had it in for me. If I get them one by one they’ll be sorry.

  Where was Tosser?

  He was taking a slash in the gents. I was the designated driver.

  Tony, can I ask you a question?

  He got up and went to the sink. He turned the tap on and let it run cold for a few seconds. Our hot and cold pipes run side by side and the cold pipe always gets hot. Like we have Gold Tap Features and a Fireplace Feature, but anything you can’t see is shite. And ever since my dad got mad with the last plumber and went and self-turned up the pressure on the mains there’s a knocking when you turn on the cold tap. It’s like someone knocking an iron pipe on a stone very fast.

  Then he filled the glass of water and drank half of it. He still had his back to me.

  The answer
is yes, he said. That’s why I was jumped.

  Cool by me, I said. I just wanted to know. Do Mam and Dad know?

  Mam knows. I’m not telling that fucker anything.

  That was the first time I realised that Tony properly hated my dad. I couldn’t believe I never saw it before. Like when my dad comes into a room Tony leaves. If he can. And Mam is always on his side. And I used to be jealous. But now I understood. Maybe I didn’t hate my mam as much as before. But what made them hate each other? I don’t know. There was probably a lot going on that I didn’t see. The Dog was lying against the Aga watching us with one eye. Tony went over to him and squatted down. How are you, doggy Dog? You don’t give a fuck do you as long as you can have a sleep by the heat? He turned around to me. The look on his face was totally sad. I wish I was a dog, he said.

  66

  My brother Tony never asked me how I met Tom Bowles and how the nickname of Serena’s dad came up. That should have made me think. Like he must already have known how I met him. I could imagine Tom Bowles telling him: I met your sister, she’s going to give me an alibi for the murder. I didn’t like that idea. But I still didn’t know whether Tony went up to Ballyshane. And what did he do up there? I started taking The Dog for a walk again in the evenings after dark, and just like accidentally finding myself in Ballyshane. The lawns were cut now, and someone had been pruning trees. There was a painter’s scaffold at one wall and it was half-painted. The place was beginning to look like someone cared. On the first evening I just chilled in the woods for an hour wondering if Tony would turn up, but he didn’t so I went home. But the second night I couldn’t resist going to the window. It was the kitchen window because that was the only one with lights on. I saw Tom Bowles sitting by a big Aga cooker with a mug of tea in his hands. Grace was cooking. They were watching a small TV high up on the wall. It was the news. Like I think everything they say on the news was written by predictive text. I don’t get why people watch it. Like someone is thinking of invading someplace, you just know it will turn out a disappointment. I remember the kitchen because old Miss Corry used to give me tea in there. There was a big pine table with a Formica layer glued on top. There were five pine chairs. The sink was one of those ancient ones that people make flower pots out of. But the cooker was new and it was like one of those huge cookers you see on MasterChef. I was impressed. There was a piece of string hung over the stove and there were clothes drying on, shirts and panties and stuff. But what shocked me was there was a bra. A proper bra. Like I didn’t expect them to use ordinary bras. That made me look at her again. And this time I was thinking maybe she was a woman after all, just a mannish-looking woman. She had big cheekbones and she was very tall. She looked twice as tall beside Tom Bowles. And she was wearing leggings and a long shirt and when I saw her front I couldn’t see any sign of man stuff. I think I concentrated too much because suddenly I noticed that she was looking out the window. The window that had me on the other side of it. Then Tom Bowles turned too. He waved. I panicked. I ran for the woods. The Dog gets excited when I run. He thinks I am Hunting Rabbits or something wild and he barks. He thinks I’ve finally Come To My Senses and started acting like a proper dog instead of a stupid non-rabbit-aggressive pacifist. So when I got to the trees I tried to shush him but he kept barking and running away from me. I know what it meant in dog psychology: he thought I was giving up too easily on the rabbit confrontation business and he wanted me to go all Semper Fide and Death to Rabbits. But I legged it and he followed me.