Suzy Suzy Read online

  So next night that I went up there I stayed away from the window.

  It was four nights before Tony turned up. The weather was bad. The met service issued a status yellow warning. Like what did we do before coloured warnings, like when I was young? Weather just happened. Southwest veering-west winds will reach mean speeds sixty-five to eighty km/h with gusts of one hundred and ten km/h., but gusts of up to one hundred and thirtykm/h, are likely on exposed coasts and headlands for a time in the evening and early night. Heavy rain later. Ballsyhane is an exposed area. The coast is only a couple of miles away. Like from the top of Ballyshane you can see Lonely Rock Light. When I got up there the trees were heaving and it was roaring like the sea. The wind blew me up the hill, I would probably end up being blown away on my way back.

  I was up there jammed against a tree, watching for action. After a bit I started to think I might as well go home. Then my mam’s new car came up the drive. I checked my phone and it was still not ten o’clock. Tony got out. He was carrying a large cardboard box. He rang the doorbell and someone let him in. He was there for over an hour and I was actually totally freezing. But eventually I saw him come out again. He was carrying something. He put it in the boot of my mam’s car and drove off. I went home. Out through the torrent of the woods, onto the road where the wind almost lifted me off my feet. A few times I had to shelter. Once I held on to a gate. I thought it was going to lift me in the air like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz. I’ve seen that five times. I love it. It took me nearly an hour to get home. I was soaked. My dad said, Where the hell were you? I said I was walking The Dog and I got lost in the gale. He just gave me the scan.

  They were talking about something I could see. I was standing there in the kitchen dripping. My mam was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of that camomile shit. She thinks it helps her sleep. I hate the smell. My dad was leaning his ass against the sink. He had a glass of something invisible, maybe gin, maybe water. When he joined the Golf Club he started on G&T.

  He said, How did Kelleher find out about the Revenue?

  My mam said, I’d say everybody knows. These things get around. But I’ll tell you one thing, I got a call from the bank yesterday. They wanted to talk to you. They wouldn’t talk to me. It’s about the farm.

  Things get around? Not with the fucking Revenue they don’t. There’s an informer.

  Then the two of them looked at me. One of those looks. If I smoked I would have lit a cigarette as you do. Well, as they do in movies. It has a calming effect. Instead I blushed.

  What? I don’t even know the Kellehers. They’re not in my school.

  Did you tell anyone?

  Like no? Do you think I want everyone to know we’re going bankrupt?

  What about the farm, Matt? my mam said. The farm belongs to me.

  My dad sort of winked but said nothing.

  Did you get a mortgage on the farm, Matt? The Revenue are taking it. If you have a mortgage on that….

  How could I get a mortgage on something I don’t own?

  That’s what I was wondering.

  I didn’t.

  My mother fished the bag of soggy camomile out of her cup and dropped it on a saucer. It was steaming. It reminded me of something. I looked up and I saw that Dad was looking at it too.

  Shit, he said.

  I knew what he was thinking. He gave me a sideways look. I think he was blushing. I could see him standing in the middle of a field pissing and shaking himself dry. We are the complete car-crash family. If something can be screwed up, call us.

  67

  The guards called to my house. It was not the same guards who interviewed me. They called after tea and Dad was there too but Mam was working late. They asked my dad if they could talk to me. My dad called me. He said, Suzy, the guards want to talk to you. Ok, Dad. What do they want to talk about? Probably the murder, Dad, remember I found the purse.

  I could see my dad was scared. He probably thought they were coming for him when he saw them at the door. The previous day he fired the two people who worked for him. One was a part-timer who came in on Fridays to do the books. That must have been an interesting job. And the other answered the phone and did photocopying, idk, maybe she did something else but she always seemed to be on Facebook when I was there. Or booking her holidays. Maybe there wasn’t much to be done in my dad’s office anyway. She went on holidays to Italy. She was learning Italian. I want to go to Italy some time. Because the Renaissance of course. And because I love pizza especially not the frozen type.

  They interviewed me in the sitting room and my dad waited in the kitchen. They went over my statement about the burning bin. They did not mention that Serena blamed me. They checked each detail. They asked me if I was sure I saw Mr Bowles’ housekeeper as well as Mr Bowles. I said I was certain of it. They asked me how come I was so certain? I said the housekeeper is a lot taller than Mr Bowles. They seemed to be cool with that. Then they asked me about the time. I said I was sure about the time because Serena and me waited until everyone was asleep and I told them Serena’s theory that people are in their deepest sleep around four a.m. Then they asked me how long it would take to walk up to Ballyshane in the dark. I estimated half an hour, and fifteen minutes by day. They said they had checked with the alarm people and there was no record of an alarm because the system was not monitored. I said I didn’t know that, but it made a lot of noise. It was one of those old-fashioned alarms with a bell on it. They asked me if I knew that the alarm in Ballyshane had been recently replaced and the house was now fitted with motion sensors and cameras. I said I didn’t know that, but the night we set fire to the bin it was still the old alarm. Then they asked me about my dad freaking when I came home. And I said it was true. And they said they would need my dad to confirm that. And I started to cry.

  And my dad said he had no recollection of it. I couldn’t believe he said that. Like, Dad you totally freaked at me, when I got home, like I thought you were going to have another heart attack. My dad said it was his opinion that what I was saying was not the truth.

  I looked at him and I saw that half smile again.

  The cop said, Mr Regan, are you aware that your daughter provided two suspects with an alibi for the night in question and if you can’t confirm her story then the alibi is dead in the water?

  My father nodded. You’re talking about Bowles, he said. I always thought that guy was suspicious.

  Dad, I said, what are you doing?

  He ignored me. Can I offer you tea or coffee, Sergeant? Or a drop of something stronger, sure I know you’re on duty, but still and all?

  They said no thanks. They just needed to clarify here. Was he saying that he did not remember his daughter coming home in the early hours of the morning on the night in question, or was he saying it didn’t happen?

  My dad thought hard. You knew when he was thinking hard because he frowned. Then he looked at me and looked away again.

  Could I speak to you alone, he said to the guards.

  For fuck’s sake, Dad!

  Suzy! Language! Just go and wait in the kitchen will you. There’s a good girl.

  If you wouldn’t mind, miss, the older of the two guards said.

  I went into the kitchen. But then I came back and listened at the door. The older guard’s voice was louder than the others. I heard him say, So now just to be clear, you’re saying they’re a bit high strung?

  And then my dad said something and the older guard said, Is that a fact? That’s very sad. And her father a surgeon too. You never know what’s behind it.

  Then I heard them moving. I went back to the kitchen. I heard them saying thanks and sorry for disturbing him and goodbye now thanks very much.

  The younger guard stuck his head in at the kitchen door and said, Thanks very much there, Suzy. You were very helpful.

  I waited until they were gone. Then I went up to my room and closed the door quietly. I went to look for my blades but I heard Dad coming up after me so instead I threw myself on
the bed looking away. I heard the door open.

  Are you all right, Suzy?

  I know what you did.

  Suzy you know very well I was only just after my operation and I was taking sleeping tablets. I don’t remember anything.

  That’s not what you told the guards though. You could have told them that while I was there. I heard what you said. And I know what you’re doing.

  I just don’t remember.

  I turned around and looked straight at him. Mam is right about you.

  That hit him. He backed out and closed the door hard. I jumped up and pulled my chair over and propped it against the handle. He waited for a few seconds and he tried the handle of the door but I pushed hard against the chair. Then I heard him go downstairs and not long afterwards I heard him on the phone. I took a blade and dropped my pants and very quickly made two short slashes across the front of my thighs. I watched the blood well up in the slits and run down onto the cover of my duvet. A bright pink stain spread and got deeper in colour. I wanted to do it again but the pain was already too much. I threw the blade on the floor and rolled over onto my side. I realised I was crying. I was bleeding all over the bed.

  68

  I dreamed a horse was kicking down a door and I woke up and it was someone trying to break into my room. It was dark. I was scared. I called out, Who’s there? and my brother Tony answered. When I rolled over I realised one of my legs was stuck to the duvet. I had my pants down around my knees. I was cold. I remembered what I was doing before I fell asleep. I told Tony to hang on. I gently pulled the duvet off my cut and pulled my pants up. Maybe I bled again idk. When I moved my legs it hurt. I turned the duvet upside down to hide the blood and pulled the chair out from under the door handle. Tony came in.

  What are you doing in the dark?

  I turned my bedside light on. I saw him looking at my legs. There was blood on my skinnies. Then he looked at the blade on the floor.

  Oh Jesus no, he said. Why did you do that? He was pointing at my legs.

  My fucking life, I said. Dad just told the guards I was a liar.

  About what?

  You know about the bin, right?

  He stared at me. He told them you were lying about that?

  He said I was highly strung. He said he didn’t remember me coming home late that night. He told them that Serena overdosed.

  He turned and ran down the stairs. I heard him in the lounge, then in the kitchen. Things were getting knocked over. Chairs maybe idk. Doors slammed. The kitchen door. Then he started shouting, Dad! Dad! Where the fuck are you? Where the fuck are you, you lying cunt!

  I don’t know where my dad was, but Tony went through every room. There was no one else there except him and me and The Dog.

  69

  So I dated Jack. It was a bad idea and I don’t know why I did it. Don’t even ask. I even shaved my legs for the first time. I used my Dad’s Mach 3 razor even though my mam has a Gillette Venus Spa Breeze, lathers for lush smoothness + indulgent shave gel bars. Like is that even a thing? A shave gel bar? And why do we have to use pink ones? Do pink razors have gentler blades? I used my mam’s shampoo. Sunkist Raspberry. Who puts raspberries in their hair? Is that even a thing? It smelled like raspberry ice-cream not in a good way. Like the cheapest raspberry ice-cream. I was worried that he might want to smell my hair. Or even nibble my ear. It happens. But I needn’t have worried. He didn’t give a shit about my hair.

  As soon as he found a place to park he got me into the the back seat of his mother’s car and it wasn’t very nice. He was all hands and some of it hurt idk he tried to get his hand under my bra and my skinnies were too tight and I wasn’t going to open the button ffs. In the end I just told him piss off. I don’t think a girl ever did that before. He was surprised. He made me swear not to tell Serena. As far as I was concerned she was welcome to him. I already worked out he was an asshole from the second I got in the car. The funny thing is, while he was kissing me, and trying to get me to touch his thingy, and accidentally on purpose getting his hand stuck in my skinnies, I was thinking of a chapter in my Physics book about X-rays. Like high-energy particles, hot cathode ray tubes, electromagnetic waves, ionisation, penetration. I almost laughed out loud a few times. No way are you supposed to be thinking about Physics. It was all a bit awkward frankly. But the best part of it was when he knocked over the can of beer that was jammed in the cup holder. It went on the driver’s seat. He said his mother would kill him. He spent ten minutes trying to clean it off. And when he showed me how he had made shit of the seat by spreading the stain I shook my head and said, Tsk tsk that’s terrible. He had to sit in the wet to drive me home. I thought that was hilarious but he didn’t. And then he left me home and it was only nine o’clock in the night. Like the whole thing happened in two hours, including the valeting. I guess he’s just a sensitive guy. I wonder if he sleeps with the light on? In twenty years time he’d be voting for idk Opus Dei Lite or the Illuminati whatever, if you’ve seen the Da Vinci Code you get the idea, and passing around pics of aborted foetuses like business cards. Like all of our political parties are Opus Dei Lite. It’s hard to get away from it here.

  When I got home I texted Holly to say I was out with Jack. I know I said I never would but I’m crap at secrets. And Holly is my soul.

  And she texted me back: Well?

  And I replied: Nope just groped.

  I WhatsApped her a selfie of me and Jack just to prove it. He was making a funny face that was not funny. He looked like a wanker pretending to be a wanker. A selfie never lies. And she was like: Wat was it like? And I said: It was ew n he’s a shit. She said: ☹. I said it was OK because I preferred her and she replied: Hehehe ☺. So then she wanted to know the gory details, about where he put his hand and some other more personal things. I said it was all a bit meh. I told her how fast he was and she quoted me back the same song. He’s just a sensitive guy. I answered the other questions too. Then I told her that he wanted to go home as soon as he realised I wouldn’t do it and she said: I knew hed be like that. total fucking buffer.

  And I did too. But I replied, Harsh hehe.

  The last thing Holly texted before we said our goodnights was: Sleepover tomorrow night? Tell me all about it? And I said: Awesome girl. Then it was goodnight and sleep tight and the rest of it. But the one thing I didn’t tell Holly was that Jack asked me if my brother could sell him hash. I said he’d have to ask him himself. He said, They say the Ballyshane guy has the best of it, that’s where Tony gets it. It was news to me. All of it.

  70

  That night Tony knocked on my door very late. I was already asleep and by the way he was knocking I guessed my parents were asleep too. He came in and I made room for him in the bed. The last time Tony was in my bed we were like babies, I was six and he was ten maybe. I could smell drink on his breath but I don’t think he was drunk. He made himself comfortable, with his back against the wall. He was fully dressed. I could smell cigarette smoke from his clothes. I legit hate cigarette smoke, especially the used version. But he’s my brother.

  He didn’t say anything for a bit. I knew he was working up to something. Like the last heart-to-heart I had with Tony I was probably two and a half. It was funny really.

  What it was, he wanted my advice. Like MY advice? Me the walking catastrophe, with the emphasis on the ASS. He should or he should not tell Dad?

  I gave it some thought. After a bit he’s like: Suzy are you asleep?

  I said, I’m thinking.

  Well you fucking sound like you’re asleep.

  Harsh. How could I be talking to you if I was asleep?

  You could be talking in your sleep.

  I hit him but it didn’t hurt. He said OW anyway just to please me. Aw. Big brothers.

  I said, I think you should tell him. He might be mad but he’ll get over it.

  OK, he said. I suppose.

  Well, what’s the worst case scenario? He tells you move out? He never wants to talk to you again? Like if
you move out, take me with you.